Don't know why but I choose to remain silent these days.
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I miss the people who came over the past few days.

Let them judge the shit out of things, we're separate beings anyway.

This is not a mark of confidence, just me drawing away from people. 

There's a whole world in here I can feel comfortable in.

coffee over carrots

I watched Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds live at F1 yesterday. It's like a dream come true. He ended with Don't look back in anger like I've always imagined. Wore the exact same grey polo, the same red electric guitar. Couldn't stop squeezing nico's shoulders in excitement. If only the crowd was better. Maybe they're just like me, they kind who'd just stand there, enthralled. I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE IT. I WATCHED THEM LIVE I WATCH THEM LIVE.

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God I hate seeing people together.
Makes it feel like being alone is a very bad thing.

FOCUS OUT NOT IN

Evidence of escapism: falling asleep 3 times while doing a tough assignment even though I just woke up from 6 hours of sleep and am physically energetic. This is the true explanation for "sleep is for the weak". I remember sleeping during most lessons back in my jc days.

Generally, this place is for sad/melancholic/emo stuff, with this post as an exception. Life is actually getting a little better: getting used to the school system, feeling more grounded, slightly more certain of who the ones around me are (just slightly). That summarizes the positive parts of campus life, don't feel like elaborating even though there's a lot to be said, a lot i've learnt and realized throughout the 6 weeks. Just a brief update.

Honestly? I don't think I'm a very nice person in the sense that I don't care much about doing nice sweet little random things for friends or stuff like that. Things girls usually do. Unless there's something really awesome and relevant. And I'm such a lousy text replier. I think I belong to the category of people that will be satisfied by 'heart to heart talks' (that's what they call it here) when we meet, and whenever needed. Maybe it means I don't put in enough effort into my friendships, maybe it means I believe purely in connection and chemistry. Am wondering if anything will change this, because it isn't something to be proud of.

i like sadness. and intensity. and heaviness.

i am confused. i can't forget. red slid out of the covers.

threw green into the basket. 

closed my eyes. tired. fell asleep. 

red orb is up. walk. forget. i'm okay.

What have I done? Or rather, not done?

Patrick Park - Life is a Song

Dear me, please be more responsible for goodness' sake.

Am more attached to new people because of detachment from the group i used to be closer to. How often do we find friends that are with us from the start purely by choice, and not because we come in second? So we sometimes settle for second best and live with it, we call it fate and feel better about not being able to be with the ones we could've clicked fantastically well with. We play the rules of the game called fate, like game pieces of an unknown force. I do not really know why we live, but we just do as a grain of sand on the beach. We just live and do things. Just a bunch of incoherent, random thoughts.

A girl I just met was playing this at the common lounge this morning. I love how she had a very light touch, her fingers doing ballet. Mine does hip hop with classical pieces at times so there's now motivation to practice more often! If the common lounge isn't occupied, that is. I kind of really miss having lessons. The feedback we got from our seniors yesterday during acapella prac reminded me of how helpful constructive comments are.

Something scary happened. I accidentally posted this on the oms blog.

Sent a text to my mom today because I suddenly felt grateful for the things my parents have done for me. Since I don't write things until I really feel like it, I guess it's okay to make a conclusion that I'm beginning to miss my life outside only now, when things have finally settled down in school. Life is much less happening, and the space I get in my room now is awesome. There are pictures of people on the wall.

I'm just afraid that there are things happening outside this comfort zone, and that I'm not invited and will not be invited in the future once I step out of it for a while. Life outside is so tiring and draining, trying to seek validation from others is draining, yet the thirst for it remains.

For now, in this new place, I feel like my need to be with people does not feel genuine, that I be with them not because I genuinely like people, but because I yearn for a feeling of acceptance. But then again, what does "genuinely liking people" mean?

Maybe I need to be alone for a little while more to get used to it again, or visit people who have existed from some time ago. I can count two people I really like being with, and two more I care alot about. I do wish I can let new people in more easily. But I suppose it's okay since it's only been two months.

It doesn't really matter if it's a person or a group of people, all the space needs is a sense of belonging. Acceptance from the ones it wants acceptance from, not just anyone.

Do only what you want
Be ok with everyone

Supernova

Felt 60% myself when I was jumping and screaming on the grass.
The other 40% of me was trying to see how a 'high' me would look like.
Like, if i were to be myself, I think I would move to the beat (alot) and smile (alot) and think of why the songs were so awesome. Screaming and jumping isn't really the default expression of happiness.

Sometimes I wonder if 'high' people feel like themselves all the time.
Feel like being totally yourself means you are unaware of what you are doing, cause you just do things and think of nothing else.

90% of me was happy when the last band played though, cause they were really good. ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST. Am thinking if I should go for Noel Gallagher for 128 dollars, just for an hour.